"You're so fucking skinny"

This past week, I have been participating in this Instagram challenge that forces you to share your biggest insecurities. I have received so many wonderful stories of women dealing with the same insecurity that I wanted to write about it on my blog (that I rarely post on anymore!). My biggest insecurity, like many women, is my body.

Yeah, that’s right… my body. Many of you are probably thinking, “But you’re skinny. Why are you insecure about it?” And BOOM, that’s exactly what I mean. Some of you reading this have probably commented on my weight, even made jokes. Most likely, I pretended it didn’t bother me and laughed with you about it. But in reality, it hurts me. Every single time. There isn’t one comment about my weight that doesn’t affect me. Even when you follow the jokes up with “I’m just joking, I would love to be your size.” At that point, I’m too busy telling my brain and body that I am good enough and that I shouldn’t let this affect the rest of my day.

Body shaming is body shaming. No matter what size you are. I can’t comprehend why it is okay to make fun of skinny people. I can never even wrap my head around the common phrase, “Real women have curves.” So are you saying I’m not a real woman? Well, please, educate me. What the fuck am I? It’s not my fault that my genetics made me this way. It’s not my fault that no matter how much I eat to try to gain weight so that you can stop commenting about my size doesn’t do shit. It’s frustrating to work my ass off at the gym, being proud of a little muscle growth, and have it all taken away with your comment of “Have you gotten even skinnier since I last saw you?”

I have been teased (and even bullied) my entire life about my weight. “You’re scrawny. Go eat more. You’re so skinny. You’re such a twig. If you turned sideways, we wouldn’t even be able to see you.” Those words fucking hurt. Why is that okay to say? Would you go up to someone who’s overweight and say, “You’re fat. You should eat less. You should go on a diet.” NO! Because that’s rude and offensive. And who the fuck are you to say that to someone? Even worse is when people put their hands around my wrists and say “Holy shit, you have such skinny arms.” Would you grab a larger woman’s tummy and say “Holy shit, you have a big belly!” Again.. NO! Well, then why do it to me? Why do it to people who are thin? It’s become socially acceptable to do that and I think we should just stop all of this body shaming.

Why can’t we learn to appreciate everyone’s bodies the way they are? Why do we feel the need to put down someone in order to feel better about ourselves? I wish I had known this growing up because it would have saved me from a lot of insecurities and low self-confidence. But I realize now that all those comments were made out of people’s own insecurities. Your opinion of me is none of my business. What you see in me is a reflection of you. So all those mean and horrible comments that you say to me.. look deep inside and figure out why you felt the need to say those things to me. Truth is, you’re dealing with your own issues and projecting them out on me.

Yoga has really helped me learn how to love my body. I was never flexible and I never saw myself as strong. But being able to practice daily and FEEL stronger with each practice makes me realize how much I have taken my body for granted. So I won’t apologize anymore for my weight. I won’t. I won’t put myself down anymore in order to make you feel better about yourself. That’s on you. As for me, I will appreciate your body while appreciating my own. I won’t put you down. I won’t tell you to change your diet. I won’t make comments about your weight. When you lose weight for your health, I will tell you I am proud of your hard work, but I refuse to tell you that you look “better”. Because you are more than a number on the scale. You are more than that. You’re already beautiful and I will help you see that.

Yoga: My imperfect journey

Recently, my 2 wonderful friends asked me "Hey, whatever happened to your blog?" To be honest, I just got busy with life and then completely forgot about it. I told them no one probably read it anyway. Little did I know I was talking to my 2 readers haha! So thank you Kim and Angie for reminding me about it ;)!
                               
I know I post a lot of pretty phenomenal, fantastic, amazing yoga pics on Facebook (if you only knew how amateur my poses are haha) but what I love the most about yoga is that it's not about your ego or the destination, it's all about the journey. Some of you have texted or messaged me about how you'd love to get into yoga but could never do half the stuff I do, or that you just don't have the time for it. First of all, wow.. it's such an amazing feeling knowing that your love and passion for something can inspire others to want to try it. Second, I call bullshit! Trust me, my daily yoga practice only began this past September and when I first started, I could barely touch my toes. I still have to bend my knees when I fold forward. And that's okay!! Yoga isn't about nailing a pose or looking pretty when you're doing a flow... it means something different to everyone, and for me, yoga has completely changed my life. Think of the many hours you spend on Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, etc... so don't make excuses about not having time when time is what you make of it.

**Disclaimer: I'm not a yoga pusher (well unofficially I am ;)..) so if you don't want to try it (though I highly suggest trying a class once because it's such an awesome experience!) then don't. But if you do want to get into yoga, whether it be for fitness or for any other reasons, then please feel free to contact me and ask me any questions!! 

These are some of the lessons I have learned from yoga:
- Stop comparing yourself to other people and just try to be the best you possible. (This is obviously easier said than done but when you really focus on improving who you are rather than making it a competition against everyone, weight begins to lift off your shoulders and you can begin focusing on making YOU happy)

- Love your body because it is yours and no matter what anyone says, it is beautiful. (I still struggle on a daily basis with this because of self-esteem and body image issues that I have had for a really long time, but I'm slowly learning to love my body)

- With enough patience, anything.. literally anything, is possible. (One mantra I tell myself when I start getting frustrated and confuse yoga with nailing a pose rather than the journey it's taking me on, is "I can't wait to see where I'll be a year from now." Nothing comes easy, so why would you think your body can change in a day?)

On my Instagram account, I post ALL of my yoga pictures and videos, the embarrassing ones, the good ones, the falls,the successes.. all of them. I do that because I like to think that the people I don't know who "follow" my account can see that there is struggle behind all of these amazing photos that other people post. However, I realized that I didn't do that on Facebook. Well...., 1) if I posted ALL my yoga pics on Facebook, pretty sure everyone would hate me haha, and 2) to be honest, I was scared. 

It's funny how I feel completely comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities with complete strangers yet I couldn't bring myself to do it via Facebook amongst my friends. The ones that can hurt you the most are those who are closest to you. So far, I have had no strangers give me any negative comments about my yoga progress, in fact, everyone has been completely supportive. Yet a couple of people who I call(ed) my "friends" have been the ones who have shown the least support in this newfound hobby/passion of mine. As a result, I felt protective of my yoga practice and didn't want to share the bad with my friends in case they would criticize me or make snotty comments. But I'm teaching myself not to care what people think, strangers and friends..

So I'm sharing this picture of me and The Bf trying this seemingly easy acroyoga pose. That day, we tried about 10 different poses I thought we would nail (well at least one of them). But we failed at every single one of them. While I admit that there a small part of me that was sad that we couldn't do any of them, a huge part of me was so proud of us for trying. (The endless giggles and laughs also helped)

So this is me.. imperfections and all. I embrace my flaws so that you can learn to embrace yours :)

How to get started if you're a new yogi!
- I recommend trying out actual yoga classes because they are so helpful in teaching you about breathing, proper alignment so you don't hurt yourself, and flows. It's also great to be surrounded by other people's energies during your practice. Check out different studios before sticking to one (look at Groupons for deals!!!). I've never done this but I also know of Lululemon stores that have free yoga sessions. Do your research, some studios have specials :)

- Check out THIS SITE. They have free online videos for all levels so if you are nervous, too poor to check out a studio, or too poor to continue going to a studio, then just do these videos from home :) My friend also searches yoga videos on Youtube so just check around!

- If you have Instagram and want to learn how to do more advanced yoga poses, check out popular yogis who post videos of how to get into those poses (I'm sure they're everywhere online too). Participate in yoga challenges where you have to do a pose every day for a month. Obviously, no one forces you to do it but it's a great way to make sure you practice daily. That's how I started practicing daily.

If it's not yoga that you love, if it's running, scrapbooking, knitting, whatever... If it's something that you love and makes you a better person by doing it, then don't forget to make time for it. And keep doing it.

Namaste means that the light in me honors the light in you. So namaste, fellow friends :)

survived my first boxing fight

I can't believe it.. I had my first fight.

The venue was 3 hours away so we had to leave here around 12pm to get there on time for weigh-in. The Bf flew in last minute to support me in my very first fight and I can't even express how much I needed him and appreciated him being there in my corner.

LOSING WEIGHT
Let's start off first with this week, leading up to my fight yesterday. I found out on Monday that my opponent was 5'4, 106lbs, and her record was 14(wins)-8(losses). I'm 5'8, 108, and 0-0 woot woot. So my coach told me I had to lose 2 lbs within this week before weigh-in. I had to watch what I ate and every time I trained, I had to wear a garbage bag under my clothes to make myself sweat more. Losing those 2-3 damn pounds was probably the hardest thing I had to do for this fight. Seriously. While it was mostly water weight, having to be concerned about what I ate was SO difficult since you all know I'm a fatty at heart. And on the drive up there, I couldn't even eat either because my coach's scale read 105.8, too close to risk not making weigh-in. My teammates all made their weight--all guys, of course, who had been training MUCH longer than I have with Coach Boom Boom.At weigh-in, it said I was 104.8 (I think their scale was wrong) but glad I made it, we all pigged out at Wendy's after that but before the fight.

THE TEAM
My teammates did awesome against their opponents. We were all first-time fighters except for one. His nickname is Chicken (don't ask me why) but we call him Chick. He was the main event and has many belts to back up his seasoned experience. Our first team member to fight was Saron, the tiniest 8 year old you could ever imagine. He ended up winning, we were all so proud of him! My next teammate fought hard but unfortunately lost, though his opponent definitely played dirty and the ref didn't call it. The next guy on my team who fought lost by TKO (Technical knock-out); his opponent was so much bigger than him. Seeing the disappointment in their faces and seeing them cry motivated me even more to give all I had in my fight. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to regret anything, I didn't want to feel disappointed in myself on the ride home.

MY FIGHT
I was nervous throughout all the other fights I watched. There were so many people there watching. I mean, this place was in the middle of nowhere (Fostoria, OH) so I'm assuming this was their only entertainment of the year for this town. As my coach was wrapping my wrists up, he kept reminding me of techniques/strategies we worked on. Most of all, he told me not to give up, that I worked way too damn hard to get here and give up. Chick was giving me advice as well, telling me things to do while in the ring. As they called out my name and I had to go to the ring, I thought, "Holy crap, I'm fucking doing this, aren't I?"

The first round was not a big deal, we were kind of feeling each other out, seeing what we each brought to the table. The second round, I fought all that I could. She definitely was an experienced fighter and got a lot of great shots in. I got a couple in but to be honest with you, I felt like everything I had learned went out the window for a bit. Then I focused in on my coach and what he was telling me. I felt like it was just her, me, and my coach. I couldn't even hear the crowd or anybody else other than my coach. I got a couple of good shots in because my reach is so much longer thanks to my height. I felt so tired then the bell rang. My coach knew I was tired, he told me to breathe it out, told me not to give up, that I had this.

When the third round started, I just wanted to give up.. REALLY BADLY. My quads, my legs, were just shot... they felt so weak, it's as if I had never done any cardio before. She tried to get me against the rings but I kept jabbing and getting her off me because if anything, I didn't want her to have that opportunity to just pummel me against the rings. At one point, the ref stopped us to give me some time to breathe. At that point, I thought, "If I just give up now, I could end this. I'm so tired. I can't do this. My legs are just killing me." But right away, I heard my coach in the corner telling me to keep going, to NOT give up. And I thought about all of my amazing friends who have been so supportive of me and I thought of all the hard work that I had put into being here. If I was going to lose, I was going to make her work for it. And that's what I did, I just kept making her having to run and reach for those shots, I wasn't just going to stand there and let her get the points. When the third round ended, I thought the ref had called it early. I thought he was just stopping the fight due to TKO and I was so disappointed in myself. He hadn't, that round just felt fast.

My nose was bleeding and I hadn't even realized it, my coach got me a towel but then I had to get to the middle of the ring for them to announce the winner. The other fighter and I hugged and we waited. Obviously, she won. The thing that surprised me most was that I didn't cry, I didn't feel disappointed. All of you who know my competitive nature know I HATE losing. But I lost and I didn't have any of those feelings. I realized it was because I really did give it my all and that, although there are techniques that I worked on but didn't use, I didn't regret anything. Even though I was tired, I made myself push through that and didn't receive any shots from just standing there and letting her punch me.

After they announced that she won, I went to her coach while she went to mine to exchange Thank You's. Her coach helped take my head gear off and told me, "Stay in the gym. Don't give up on this, you are so good, you have so much potential. Stay in the gym!" I thought, "Oh, you asshole, it's only cause your fighter won..." (bitter much?) But apparently, he meant it because he talked to my coach afterwards and told him to get me into more tournaments and that he wanted to see me fight again. A couple of other fighters and coaches came up to me afterwards telling me what a great job I did. Those coaches, along with someone from USA Boxing, also talked to my coach and asked what other big tournaments I fought in because they wanted to see more of me. Hahha, and when he told them that this was my first fight, their minds were just blown.

You want to know why their minds were blown?!??!! That's because my opponent was a 2x Junior Olympic winner, 3x National Champion and blablabla. I stopped listening after that. I was like, "Holy freaking crap! WHAT??? What happened to this 14-8 record??!" (Her name is Monica Van Pelt, if you want to look her up!) My coach said he knew part of her record, he obviously knew about the National Champion thing but he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to psych myself out. He knew if he told me, I would've backed out, which he is completely 100% right about. But he knew I could make it. He was so proud of me for making it all 3 rounds and working on my footwork. All of my teammates were so proud of me, and so was The Bf. I couldn't believe it.. my first fight was against this National Champion and I survived. I didn't get KO'd or got a broken nose or any other serious injuries. I did it. I actually did it.

And if I can make it through this, I can definitely make it through other fights. So my next fight... I'm going to work my ass off to bring home a win for you. 

Lydie, PhD/Boxer?

So it's been a minute since I've updated my blog!

It's been a SUPER busy semester! Teaching is definitely keeping me busy. I never thought it would take me so long to prepare each lecture but it does. I kept getting frustrated each weekend because I would expect to finish a week's worth of lectures in a day and of course, that (obviously) never happened. I only have 13 students so I try not to complain too much because I know how lucky I am to have such a small class. And even though they may not be the smartest bunches, they're still a great group of kids. But man, could this semester get any longer?

Anyway, as some of you know (because I've been begging for donations), I have my first boxing fight on Saturday! How exciting, right?!! A couple of you asked me if this was a late April Fool's joke (ahem Joyce haha) and it is not. Many of you guys were definitely shocked and asked me when I even got into boxing. So here's my story...

I always wanted to try boxing. Wait, let's rewind even further back... I've always wanted to get into a fight with someone. Yeah, I know, not a huge shocker because I definitely look like a fighter.... I didn't want to hurt anyone, it's not like I was going to bars and picking fights with people. I just always wanted to get into a fight and see what I could do... legally. Then, I saw that my university gym offered boxing classes for a small fee of $60 for 12 weeks!! I knew I wouldn't get such a cheap price once I graduated so I figured, why not?

I took/am taking the classes and fell in love with it. The instructor/my coach is nicknamed Boom Boom and he's so enthusiastic, energetic, fun, and inspiring! He kept complimenting my techniques, telling me I was a fast learner, and trying to get me to train with him to eventually fight. I didn't take him seriously because... well, come on, did YOU??! Yeah, didn't think so. Thanks for believing in me. You're a great friend.

I went to a couple of his team practices, sparred with his guys and one of his best girl fighters. Yes, I did get punched in the face and stomach (ouch that hurts). But you know what? I threw back some punches too and it felt damn good. So I started taking it a little bit more seriously and trained with him one-on-one. I just felt my confidence growing and growing (and then I realized how amazing I was... muahahhah).

The thing is, I had never felt this way about my body, myself, or my skills. But it all changed. Not only did my physical body get stronger, but so did my spirit (can I get any cheesier? oh.. just wait). I've always felt like the underdog. Like I always had to prove myself to those around me. Like I couldn't just be me but I had to overachieve to make up for what I couldn't bring to the table. Don't get me wrong, I have the most supportive friends and family! But it's that small percentage of annoying, I'm-better-than-everyone-else, my-shit-don't-stink, arrogant people that I have come across from elementary school until even grad school (sad to tell you things don't change in grad school) that constantly get me worked up.

So I decided to take on this challenge to prove those types of people wrong, but to also challenge myself. Out of all the things people were shocked to see me do--get tattoos, skydive, blabla--I feel like if there's ANYTHING that people wouldn't expect me to do, it would be THIS. And I want to show you that if you put enough hard work and passion into something, no matter what people tell you, no matter what those doubtful voices in your head scream at you, you can do it.

The plan was just to be in one fight, just to say I've done it, get that checked off my bucket list. But my coach is training me hard and who knows what'll happen next?

Thank you to my amazing, beautiful, generous friends for donating to my little boxing fund. For those of you want to help support my fight (and my dream to kick ass), you can donate anything from $1 to anything you wish. This will go towards my personal training sessions, equipments, fight entrance fees, and etc... Anything will help!! Message me on FB or email me for details. Thank you for supporting me :)

Send me good thoughts and wish me luck for Saturday!!! :) :) :)

GO AFTER YOUR DREAMMMM!!!! (told you it'd get cheesier)

It's all about the little things #14

Going to church on an ugly, rainy morning and meeting genuinely nice people to warm up your day :)

Back to reality

Landed yesterday afternoon and I can't believe I'm back. I was just a half a world away in hot and humid weather and now I'm back where there's snow and 30 degree weather.. is this for reals??!

I have so much to say about my trip but I don't even know where to begin. Part of me doesn't even want to try to describe my experience because I would never be able to find the words to do it justice. I'll mention a couple of things though. This trip has truly changed me. It opened up my eyes to a whole other world that desperately needs help yet is ignored. I learned so much about my culture, my heritage, and my family. Hearing my parents' stories about where and how they grew up; having them point out streets they walked through on their way to school or places they visited when they sneaked out of their houses to hang out with friends... that's what made my trip amazing. It's like I was able to share part of their past with them.

I got to visit the Tuol Sleng prison, where the Khmer Rouge interrogated and tortured people. There were still blood stains on the floor, children's bloody footsteps across the ground, and cell blocks still standing. I walked across one of the hundreds of other killing fields in Cambodia. That in itself changed me, not just because of the history it has, but walking across those shallow graves where tens of thousands of bodies had once laid, and looking down to see my feet step on bones that were still not dug... that changed something in me that I could never put words to.

Even though it may seem like my trip was filled with devastation and sadness, it was also filled with so much joy and happiness. I visited beautiful old temples, not only in Cambodia but also in Laos. I was blessed by many monks, which gave me confidence about my future. Most importantly, I met my uncle and my cousins on my dad's side for the first time. Even though there was a language barrier, no one from the outside could ever tell we had never met. There was so much family unity and love once we reunited that it didn't matter whether we spoke English, Cambodian, or with hand gestures.

I'll be uploading pictures hopefully soon, I just have so much to catch up on. I can't believe I start school already on Monday. I can't wait to go back to Cambodia and Laos.