"You're so fucking skinny"

This past week, I have been participating in this Instagram challenge that forces you to share your biggest insecurities. I have received so many wonderful stories of women dealing with the same insecurity that I wanted to write about it on my blog (that I rarely post on anymore!). My biggest insecurity, like many women, is my body.

Yeah, that’s right… my body. Many of you are probably thinking, “But you’re skinny. Why are you insecure about it?” And BOOM, that’s exactly what I mean. Some of you reading this have probably commented on my weight, even made jokes. Most likely, I pretended it didn’t bother me and laughed with you about it. But in reality, it hurts me. Every single time. There isn’t one comment about my weight that doesn’t affect me. Even when you follow the jokes up with “I’m just joking, I would love to be your size.” At that point, I’m too busy telling my brain and body that I am good enough and that I shouldn’t let this affect the rest of my day.

Body shaming is body shaming. No matter what size you are. I can’t comprehend why it is okay to make fun of skinny people. I can never even wrap my head around the common phrase, “Real women have curves.” So are you saying I’m not a real woman? Well, please, educate me. What the fuck am I? It’s not my fault that my genetics made me this way. It’s not my fault that no matter how much I eat to try to gain weight so that you can stop commenting about my size doesn’t do shit. It’s frustrating to work my ass off at the gym, being proud of a little muscle growth, and have it all taken away with your comment of “Have you gotten even skinnier since I last saw you?”

I have been teased (and even bullied) my entire life about my weight. “You’re scrawny. Go eat more. You’re so skinny. You’re such a twig. If you turned sideways, we wouldn’t even be able to see you.” Those words fucking hurt. Why is that okay to say? Would you go up to someone who’s overweight and say, “You’re fat. You should eat less. You should go on a diet.” NO! Because that’s rude and offensive. And who the fuck are you to say that to someone? Even worse is when people put their hands around my wrists and say “Holy shit, you have such skinny arms.” Would you grab a larger woman’s tummy and say “Holy shit, you have a big belly!” Again.. NO! Well, then why do it to me? Why do it to people who are thin? It’s become socially acceptable to do that and I think we should just stop all of this body shaming.

Why can’t we learn to appreciate everyone’s bodies the way they are? Why do we feel the need to put down someone in order to feel better about ourselves? I wish I had known this growing up because it would have saved me from a lot of insecurities and low self-confidence. But I realize now that all those comments were made out of people’s own insecurities. Your opinion of me is none of my business. What you see in me is a reflection of you. So all those mean and horrible comments that you say to me.. look deep inside and figure out why you felt the need to say those things to me. Truth is, you’re dealing with your own issues and projecting them out on me.

Yoga has really helped me learn how to love my body. I was never flexible and I never saw myself as strong. But being able to practice daily and FEEL stronger with each practice makes me realize how much I have taken my body for granted. So I won’t apologize anymore for my weight. I won’t. I won’t put myself down anymore in order to make you feel better about yourself. That’s on you. As for me, I will appreciate your body while appreciating my own. I won’t put you down. I won’t tell you to change your diet. I won’t make comments about your weight. When you lose weight for your health, I will tell you I am proud of your hard work, but I refuse to tell you that you look “better”. Because you are more than a number on the scale. You are more than that. You’re already beautiful and I will help you see that.