I don't know what's wrong with me. I told myself over and over, "Never, ever, ever, ever, evereverever will I EVER get a PhD! After my Master's, I'm done with school. 4-6 more years of school? Ha, yeah right, not for me!"
And now.. I'm debating whether to go on for my PhD or not. Dang it. I had a talk with my professor earlier today, who I will call Grandpa, cause I've secretly adopted him as my grandpa (in my head). Now I'm confused more than ever. The plan originally was to get my Master's and then FBI. Then it changed to finishing my Master's and then working abroad for a while. Then it evolved to getting my Master's, staying in Ohio for 1 more year (if the current job I'm doing would keep me), and then eventually work abroad for a couple of years. I want to live abroad because I've always wanted to do that, who doesn't? I wanted to research for an institute, anyone, even some bum off the street who just wanted to know more about corrections. I didn't care. But I didn't know how that would work.
You see, my current job is listening to recordings of probation officers (POs) counsel offenders and I evaluate them to make sure they are using the skills we've taught them to be more effective. I love doing it!!! I want to continue doing that! But then Grandpa said working abroad, researching for institutes, learning more about corrections.. those are all available to me.. BUT with a PhD. He is right, for what I want to do, they'll never hire me with just a Master's. But dammit, I don't know.
Part of me never wanted to go into the PhD program because of fear.. fear of failure. I feel like a PhD is a whole 'nother intellectual level that's way past my head. I don't feel smart enough for it. I don't feel like I'll be successful. Grandpa said something to me, which my UCI mentor always told me, "Never let fear be the only thing to hold you back from doing something." But I can't help it.. it's natural. No one wants to fail or quit at something. Then I thought about all the things I wouldn't have done had my fear won. I wouldn't have been an HA for my residents, I wouldn't have started my own student organization, I wouldn't have been a finalist for the Dalai Lama Scholarship, I wouldn't have gotten an interview for the FBI internship, I wouldn't have been in grad school right now, I wouldn't have.. I wouldn't have... But I did. Yet, this agonizing fear of.. "I'm not smart enough for this" repeats itself in my head.
Grandpa advised me to just apply (which is due in January, great..) and I could always turn them down or defer it for a year IF I got in. So, I guess I'm going to do that and then see what happens from there. I'll keep you updated! Aaahhhhh, what am I getting myself into?
Do it Lydie!!!!!
ReplyDeletebabeh DO IT :) I keep telling myself I wont but keep down in my little heart :) i want to hehehe :) DO IT DO IT
ReplyDeleteDo it
ReplyDeleteYou're not getting yourself into anything, "grandpa" said it best, you're just keeping your options open. You don't HAVE to go if you apply. I'm confident though that you DO have what it takes to complete a PhD, but you wont be able to unless YOU believe and will yourself to take on the challenge. It's just that, a challenge. Fear of failure is natural and also a wonderful motivator. Best of luck in your decision :)
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