No, not THAT kind of doctor. But at least if I succeed in this doctoral program, I won't have completely failed my family. I can still hear my mom shouting at me while kicking me out of the house, "You no doctor? You dishonor our family!! Don't come home til you doctor!" Hahhaha.. kidding! My mom's never done nor said that.. but I know you thought it!
It feels so surreal being back in school already. Just a couple of days ago, I was walking my way through Paris on my own and enjoying all sorts of delicious French food. And now... I'm back in awesome Cincinnati (please sense the sarcasm in my tone). One year ago, I was nervous about my Master's orientation. I was nervous about meeting my cohort and what to say to professors. And now.. just having gone to my orientation for the doctoral program, I'm still just as nervous, but this time for different reasons. I'm scared I won't be able to make it through Stats. I'm nervous about not completing the doctoral program. I'm scared shitless about failing.
Stats is one of the hardest classes in the PhD program. It's a year-long class, but that's only if you are able to pass the class each quarter. It's like playing a video game and you have to pass the first level before going on to the next one. I really don't feel confident about being able to pass the first level. I'll obviously work my ass off like never before, but I fear not knowing the concepts well enough during exams.
I don't know if I can do this. Everybody seems so smart. I'm not saying my IQ is below average but I'm definitely not saying I'm a genius. I feel like a fraud and they've accidentally accepted me into the PhD program but I don't deserve to be here. Bahhh.. this is going to be a reallllyyy long year filled with obstacles that will not only challenge me academically but also mentally. I've got to find a way to change my mindset and just boost my confidence about my abilities in this program.
At least there were some good things that came out of orientation. My cohort seems like a good group, no one seems like they love to create drama or come off as too cocky. Another positive was meeting a newly hired professor who finished her PhD at UCI!!! YAYYY! Go Anteaters! She was talking to other students but as soon as I saw an open window, I ran to introduce myself. I immediately loved her! She's so nice! I may be interested in working with her, she does research on offenders with mental illnesses. Sounds awesome!
Anyway, wish me luck for the quarter!!!
Good luck! You'll do great, just believe in yourself =)
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